Welcome to Week 9 Blitzers. Two things I love about being a bartender are serving drinks that people enjoy and people watching. First, the guys over at Blitzed NFL gave rave reviews to last week’s Purple Viking. Giving it a 9 out of 10 on the Blitzed Barkeep’s Booze scale, it led to some very questionable, albeit hilarious statements from our Blitzed Crew. If you missed it, check out this week’s podcast featuring a great guest Sir Yacht - an internet ranting sensation and die hard Browns fan.

The second thing I enjoy is how you get to people watch, or in this case, listen. You get to see people transform from sober to drunk as the night proceeds and it’s because of the drinks you make for them. I felt like that’s what happened on the podcast this week with the guys as the drinks continued to flow. It was entertaining to hear the show go on as they enjoyed the Purple Viking more and more. It was eerily similar to watching the teams from Florida this season as their once promising seasons have taken a clear detour from happy hour into the dreaded late night shot taking. My apologies to the Dolphins, Jaguars and Bucs fans but your teams efforts seem to be a bit frightening lately. ​

Speaking of frightening, it’s Halloween Week! I love Halloween. People come to the bar in costumes and flirt with each other because someone is dressed up like a sexy devil or muscle bound super hero. Then the lights come on, the make-up and masks come off and reality sets in. Once attractive costumed-clad patrons are now middle-aged divorcees with muffin tops and Dad-bods. Decisions are beginning to be questioned and definitely blamed on the booze. That being said, this Barkeep also saw plenty of tricks and treats come out of the NFL in Week 8. No, I’m not talking about TP-ing Bill Belichick’s house or throwing eggs at Tom Brady’s car (that was already done by our Blitzed Rookie two nights ago - also blamed on the vicious Purple Viking). Here were some Halloween specials that got my attention: ​

Green Bay Packers vs La Rams - TRICK
The Packers have one of the greatest 4th quarter artists of all time in Aaron Rodgers. We were denied seeing his magic due to a disgruntled WR-turned-RB-turned-returner-turned-Raven (shocking that he was traded shortly after the game) disobeying his coaches’ requests to kneel. Yep, you guessed it. Like your buddy who takes that last Tequila shot after being told they shouldn’t, he runs the ball out of the end zone, vomits it up to Rams, and ends the chances to win the game for the upset-minded Packers.

Houston Texans vs Miami Dolphins: TREAT
After a dismal 0-3 start, the Houston Texans ‘puke and rallied’ back to life with 5 straight wins and now have a 1.5 game lead in the AFC South. Deshaun Watson put on his Sherlock Holmes costume and solved the Miami Dolphins defense to the tune of 16/20 for 239 yds with 5 TD passes. That’s right, he had more TDs than incompletions. Lamar Miller even looked like his old self (133 yards, 1 TD). Just when it appeared a negative could come out of this game with the loss of DeAndre Hopkins’ drinking buddy Will Fuller (torn ACL), the front office reloaded and traded for former Broncos WR Demaryius Thomas. Isn’t it great when you have that one friend show up just when things get rough to keep the party going?

Cleveland Browns vs Pittsburgh Steelers: TRICK
Halfway through the 3rd quarter in the Cleveland- Pittsburgh game, Pittsburgh had just forced a safety which means that Cleveland had to free kick. The problem here is that no one on the Pittsburgh return team knew that you had to field the ball on a free kick, allowing the ball to roll 10 yards behind any Steeler on the field. The Browns jumped on the Pittsburgh gift, scoring shortly thereafter and cutting their deficit to 16-12. I tried telling Pittsburgh not to open that bar tab with the brand new credit card but they didn’t listen. Hey, free gifts and shots for everyone apparently. Fortunately they closed out their tab before doing any more damage and won the game 33-18.

What’s sure to be a TREAT this week, is my game of the week. Last week, I didn’t give enough credit where credit was due and I picked against Drew Brees and the New Orleans Saints (6-1). This week they have a chance to knock off the Rams (8-0) as two high flying offenses go head to head. Both teams score over 30 points a game (LAR- 33.0 and NO- 33.4 to be exact), both offenses average over 400 yards a game (LAR- 455.5 and NO- 400 even) and both are right around 300 yards passing per game. This is a great game for a New Orleans classic drink, don’t you think?

Vieux Carre (VEEOO ka-RAY):
3/4 oz Rye Whiskey
3/4 oz Cognac
3/4 oz Sweet Vermouth
1 tsp Benedictine liquor
1 dash Peychaud’s Bitters
1 Dash Angostura Bitters
Ice
Lemon Twist for garnish
Blitzed Build: Place the whiskey, cognac, vermouth in a mixing glass. Add the Benedictine liquor, then both bitters. Fill the mixing glass halfway with ice. Stir with a bar spoon until chilled (approx. 30 seconds). Strain into a chilled rocks glass. Rub lemon twist around the rim and drop into the cocktail for garnish.

This week’s Blitzed Barkeep recommendation literally translates to ‘the French Quarter’ and is a staple drink when one visits the amazing city of New Orleans. Let’s pretend we’ve had one too many Vieux Carres and simulate the game. Drew Brees, back at home, decides to celebrate his new records with the fans on Bourbon St. the night before the game. He doesn’t arrive back home until 4am and shows up to the Superdome smelling of Hurricanes and Sauzeracs. The Rams, realizing Brees isn’t in any shape to throw the ball, stack the box with their now seven former 1st round draft picks and bottle up dynamic duo Alvin Kamara and Mark Ingram. Backup Teddy Bridgewater is forced into action as Drew Brees is too busy lifting his jersey and flashing his shoulder pads for black and gold beads from the fans. A Dixieland band somehow finds its way onto the field and plays ‘When the Saints Go Marching In’ over and over. The Rams pick off Bridgewater three times, overwhelm the partied out New Orleans Saints on both sides of the ball and move to 9-0 by the score of 42-7.

It seems that was all a drunken dream. These smooth Vieux Carre’s can lead to some wicked hallucinations. Drew Brees just doesn’t seem to age and he continues to light up the stat line every week. New Orleans is one of the hottest teams in the league and is at home where they have a clear home field advantage behind the rallying ‘Who Dat’ cry. I learned my lesson by going against them last week in Minnesota. Los Angeles is really, really good but they have been tested of late. I think this is the week they suffer their first loss and the ’72 Dolphins can finally pop that champagne bottle. Final score: New Orleans 40, Los Angeles 33.

Well Blitzers, that’s all from your Blitzed Barkeep for now. Remember to drink responsibly, take Brady’s name in vain and always give your keys to a friend if you’ve had too much. Tune in to the Blitzed NFL podcast this Tuesday to hear the guys review this week’s drink of the week and recap all of the action during Week 9.

NFL teams are trading players at a higher rate than ever before. While trades still don’t happen as often as they do in other professional sports, NFL general managers are starting to warm up to the idea of rebuilding their rosters despite the high risk of “losing” the trade. ​
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This season’s trade deadline is fast approaching. All trades must be submitted by 4 p.m. ET on October 30.

We’ve already seen some trades go down well before the deadline. Some pretty good players like Damon “Snacks” Harrison, Carlos Hyde, and Amari Cooper have already been dealt. Such early action is a good indication that teams have accepted their places as “buyers” or “sellers” this season.

Some really big names have been circulating in the Twitter-sphere of trade gossip as well. Superstars like Patrick Peterson, Le’Veon Bell, and Demaryius Thomas have been heavily rumored to be dealt by next week’s deadline.

Please go find a chair if you are not near one already. I want to make sure you’re sitting for this next part because it truly is shocking: not everything you read on Twitter is true. The Cardinals, Steelers, and Broncos have all shot down these rumors and there is nothing credible to suggest that any Blockbuster trades (are they called Netflix trades now?) will include these three players.

So, what trades might happen?

Here are five trades that my opposite-of-expert scouting brain has come up with that are realistic, fair, and mutually beneficial to both teams involved.

2. Nick Foles, Philadelphia Eagles Quarterback, to the Jacksonville Jaguars

I defended Blake Bortles and thought he was a franchise quarterback. I was wrong. It takes a big man to admit a mistake and today I am that big man. Credit to me.

However, the Jags can’t just quit. They upgraded at running back by getting Carlos Hyde and now have to upgrade at QB. They have to try their best to capitalize on the most talented defense they’ve ever had.

They have to move on from Bortles. Just because he led the team to the AFC Championship game last year doesn’t excuse his horrible play. Mark Sanchez led the Jets to two AFCCGs and I’m sure every Jets fan wishes they moved on from Mr. Butt Fumble earlier.

It pains me to say this because I’ve always thought of Bortles as the Tom Brady antithesis. He is relaxed, funny, not yelling at everybody, and enjoys being a simple guy who cracks open beers and eats too much pizza. Unfortunately, he also can’t win five Super Bowls.

The Jags need to replace the Tom Brady antithesis with the Tom Brady killer: Nick Foles.

Our good friend Brandon Perna awards a “Big Dick Player of the Week.” That’s probably why Foles’ teammates call him “Big Dick Nick.” Foles won another big award—Super Bowl MVP—just eight months ago by defying the odds as a backup quarterback and leading the Eagles to a shootout victory over some team from Massachusetts.

While his career has had some ups and downs, he’s always played well under the right circumstances. In 2013 he put up a ridiculous 27 touchdowns and just two interceptions in ten starts before getting hurt. That potential plus a Super Bowl MVP is one hell of an upgrade for the Jaguars in their fight for a very winnable AFC South Division.

1. Derek Carr, Raiders QB, in exchange for Eli Manning, New York Giants QB

As you read on Shots with MZE, the excellent @GMFB_MZE broke down Jon Gruden’s strategy of having three 1st round draft picks.

​Chucky might be able to get another 1st round pick by trading away quarterback Derek Carr. Carr is a young player who’s made multiple Pro Bowls and led the Raiders to a 12-4 record just two years ago. Naturally, this type of résumé has no place in Gruden’s plans. Like Amari Cooper and Khalil Mack, Gruden is itching to ship off his proven young talent in exchange for the possibility of drafting somebody who might be talented.

Eli Manning is well past his prime and is too slow to play quarterback in the modern NFL. Or, as Gruden (likely) thinks, he’s perfect. Eli could join recent Raiders acquisitions Jordy Nelson, Doug Martin, and Reggie Nelson in a team that would have been really good when Gruden stopped paying attention in the Monday Night Football booth in 2014.

The Giants defied expert opinion (and basic common sense) by drafting running back Saquon Barkley with the 2nd pick in last year’s draft. Their reasoning did make a little bit of sense: if Eli is still a franchise quarterback, surrounding him with elite weapons like Barkley and OBJ is their best chance at winning a ring in what could be Eli’s last season. In hindsight to them, and foresight to everybody else, that reasoning was wrong.

Eli’s decline this season has been pretty sad to watch. The Giants are now forced to replace him and are widely projected to draft a rookie quarterback in next year’s 1st round. Carr may just be the perfect solution for them instead. Even though it would cost a 1st round pick and a franchise legend in Manning, it seems well worth the risk. That 1st round pick would be used on a quarterback regardless.

Welcome to Week 8, Blitzers. Last week I gave the guys over at Blitzed NFL a Bengal Tiger Martini to review. I have to admit, from a bartender’s point of view, the Blitzed crew's analyses of the drinks were pretty good. However, not everyone is going to enjoy the drink you make (more on that later). The Coach’s assessment of Drew Brees brought a little tear to my eye. No, it had nothing to do with me rubbing my face while cutting lemons for my shift behind the bar. Brees is worthy of every accolade he has accomplished in the NFL and more. In case you’re living under a rock, here are his career stats:

• 67.2% completion rate
• 72,315 yards
• 501 TDs - 228 INTs
• Career QB rating of 97.3

Even better, he has more yards passing than Tom Brady and to this barkeep, anyone who has more than Brady of ANYTHING and didn’t cheat to get it is alright in my book. On top of that, he joined the illustrious 500 TD club this past weekend. So tonight Mr. Brees, your tab is on the Rookie's host replacement last week, the Sub, because his review of my Bengal Tiger Martini left a little to be desired for this Blitzed Barkeep.
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Let’s move on. Week 7 was so full of shenanigans it makes your Blitzed Barkeep think that some of the players snuck booze into the locker room before the game just to spice things up. First, you had the Fail Mary by Trubisky and Da Bears came up just one yard short. Solution? Make your drink a little stronger and throw the ball INTO the end zone. We all wanted a victory for you against the Evil Empire.

Finally, there’s the ugly quarterback situation in Buffalo that every NFL team is envious of. NOT. So far they’ve had two freshman and a guy who graduated college 10 years ago try to hang with the Seniors from the frat house. Long story short, it’s usually going to end with one person holding someone else’s hair over the toilet while the lightweight pukes up the happy hour appetizer. No team’s fan base should be subject to this kind of mismanagement but hey, at least they like to drink! ​

The Chiefs (5-1) have truly impressed me, even against the hated Patriots and for this reason I have chosen their matchup with the Bengals (4-2) on Sunday Night Football as my Blitzed Barkeep’s Game of the Week. The Bengal’s defense is currently ranked 29th in the NFL allowing 409.2 yards per game. Their pass defense is also on pace to set the team record for yards allowed in a season, having given up 1,818 passing yards through 6 games already. These all seem like reasons why the Bengals are going to be tossing a few back after this game is over. So, what would your Blitzed Barkeep recommend to ease the pain that Patrick Mahomes and Co. could potentially put up at home this week on the Bengals? Funny you should ask…

The first Blitzed Barkeep recommendation comes from Cincinnati. The feeling here is that the Bengals are in for a long night Week 7. Let’s play devil’s advocate, pour yourselves one and close your eyes for a second though. The drink has almost the same color hair as the Red Rifle Andy Dalton. He did send a team to the playoffs last year (not his own, however - Buffalo thanks you Mr. Dalton) so he performs well under pressure and on the road. As I said before, KC doesn’t really play defense so if the Bengals can convince the refs to come drinking again, they may have a chance! A stop here, a turnover there and we have a Bengals upset on the road, 35-34.

Apparently two or three of these martinis make you delirious. The reality is that the Chiefs simply have too much firepower for this Bengals defense to overcome. This bartender has been around long enough to know that no amount of alcohol will give this Bengals offense confidence to keep up and the Chiefs will want payback for last week’s loss. Without drinking any Bengal Tiger Martinis, I’ll take Kansas City in this one 45-31.

That’s all from your Blitzed Barkeep for now. Remember to drink responsibly, take Brady’s name in vain and always give your keys to a friend if you’ve had too much. And make sure you tune in to Blitzed NFL on Tuesday to hear the guys review the Bengal Tiger Martini. 

​Follow the @Blitzed_Barkeep on Twitter

Aaron Rodgers can see every field part of the field except one: his blindside. Remember when Rodgers got hurt last year? It was ugly, and the Packers season immediately ended. Bakhtiari, as a left tackle, protects Rodgers from blindside sacks. He also does a damn good job. Pro Football Focus rates Bakhtiari as the #1 left tackle in the NFL. With Khalil Mack in the division now, Bakhtiari is as valuable to Rodgers’ health, and the Packers success, as anybody. ​

2. Byron Jones, Dallas Cowboys Cornerback

It’s easy to judge cornerbacks on interceptions and pass break ups. So how do you judge a cornerback who is so good he never even gets a chance to intercept the ball? Despite always covering the best receivers, Jones has only been targeted roughly three times per game. He’s covering receivers so well that quarterbacks won’t even look at him. No stats to show for it, but Byron Jones has been the best corner in the NFL so far. ​

3. Joe Jones, Denver Broncos Special Teams Specialist

Seeing the punter come onto the field is a great time for fans to grab a beer and hit the bathroom. But for the teams on the field, it’s no break in action. Great special teams are the difference in your offense needing to gain 90 yards or only 50 yards. Joe Jones is the NFL’s #1 special teams player according to Pro Football Focus. He’s always the first guy down the field and he blocked a punt this season, a rarity in the NFL. ​

Fitzmagic (seen here asking a fan if he knew he went to Harvard) lit the league on fire while starting in place of the suspended Jameis Winston the first month of the season. As always, he shines just enough to go get a new contract somewhere else. He’s old, he’s past his prime, and he was never that good to begin with—Jon Gruden cannot wait to overpay him. ​

Otherwise known as the Jon Gruden for Mayor Award in Chicago. Contrary to running backs, the pass heavy NFL is making pass rushers more valuable than ever. Khalil Mack looks like he’s worth every penny now that the Bears have the best defense in the NFL and the lowly Raiders can’t put a pinky on the quarterback. ​

The battle to stay alive in both Survivor and the NFL separates the strong from the weak. Those who truly want it from those who don’t. The fiercest competitors on the planet going at each other’s necks just for a chance to stay alive. ​

The Bills also exist. Their season so far doesn’t quite align with the competitive intensity we’re used to in the NFL. The results, however, are hilarious:

So there they are, the first annual Scouting Report Awards. Who are the winners, you ask? I dunno. These are just fake awards I came up with while putting away a six pack last night. But that's the beauty of the NFL, no matter what happens, it's always entertaining for us fans. 

In 2009, a painful year in the NFL for yours truly, the New Orleans Saints had the 20th ranked defense for points allowed and 25th in yards allowed. Of course when you put a bounty on the opposing quarterback in the NFC title game…never mind. I can’t relive this.
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My final example is the 2011 New York Giants, again. This plucky squad won just nine regular season games, allowed 400 points and over 6,000 yards of offense. They had a three-game stretch where they allowed 121 points (that's over 40 a game for you 'I hate math' folks). Somehow they pulled it all together come playoff time and dumped the Falcons, Packers, 49ers, and the New England Patriots. Rejoice!

So don’t fret too much about your porous defense, Chiefs fans, even though it ain't looking great at this point. There’s one statistic that should perk you up. No team has ever lost a Super Bowl by outscoring its opponents. Although I'm sure the Falcons could find a way.

Until next time, be well, drink plenty of fluids, and Eff Tom Brady.​

MZE