Welcome to the first installment of the Scouting Report. The Coach, The Rookie, and Stats Guy were naïve enough to trust me with producing some written content for the best NFL fans on the internet: #TeamBlitzed.
I’m Scout. Preferably The Scout, or else it sounds like I’m just the Blitzed NFL golden retriever. Regardless, I’m so happy to contribute to my favorite podcast that I don’t care if you call me Air Bud. I highly encourage you to drink along with my writing like you do with the podcast!
This week on Blitzed NFL Radio the Blitzed Crew gave you their biggest overreactions from the NFL’s first regular season games:
The one number overreaction the way The Scout sees it? It goes to The Coach for his demolition of the Buffalo Bills.
Exhale, Bills Mafia, you don’t need to sharpen up those razor blades just yet. Your current head coach is the only coach to get you to the playoffs in the 21st century. Your future quarterback is a 22-year-old with a rocket arm just waiting to develop. Buffalo, you’ve just waited decades to make the playoffs. The only way Joe Flacco could ruin the momentum of your franchise is if you trade for him. Keep flying through tables and being some of the best drinkers in the NFL!
The Scout's Overreaction
Now, whose fans should be sharpening the blades? Ironically for The Coach, it’s the Seattle Seahawks.
Maybe it’s the first sign of the curse of him drafting Tom Brady in the Blitzed Fantasy Draft. Maybe it’s losing every single good player on defense and not replacing any of them. Maybe it’s having your first-round pick be 16 pounds overweight.
Whatever it is, the Seahawks are totally FUCKED.
They're fucked not only because they'll miss the playoffs for a second straight year. The Seahawks have simply peaked and there is nothing they can do about it. Nobody has replaced Chancellor, Sherman, Bennett, Avril, and Richardson. Maxwell and Baldwin will also be out for a long time.
The roster is depleted. It showed on Sunday when the Broncos offensive and defensive lines manhandled them. Sure, Seattle only lost by three points. But the old Legion of Boom would never win by only single digits, let alone lose, when snagging three interceptions. The new Seahawks let Russell Wilson take six sacks every week instead of being just good enough to let him roll out of the pocket.
My Denver Broncos are obviously a Super Bowl contender, if not the favorite. While that is simply an undisputable fact that I’m happy to address later, let’s first wrap up the overreaction part of the program.
As a Broncos fan, I’ve seen this situation before. Mike Shanahan won two rings as the Broncos head coach and burned his place into Denver history like he burned his skin every summer. Then, after Hall of Famers like Elway, Terrell Davis, and Shannon Sharpe left, things got different. The Broncos slowly went from NFL royalty in the late ‘90s to NFL purgatory by the mid ‘00s. Shanahan’s teams were bad enough to miss the playoffs, but not bad enough to get top-ten draft picks and accumulate young talent.
Much like Shanahan, Pete Carroll will slowly devolve into NFL purgatory after losing all of his best players. It won’t be quick and easy. The Seahawks won’t be the Browns or the Bills. Slowly and surely, Seahawks fans will realize that 8-8 seasons are as common in Seattle as skinny guys with patchy beards dressed like lumberjacks.
Sorry, Coach, it looks like you can’t ship those razors out to Buffalo quite yet. Unfortunately for you and the good folks of the Emerald City, you aren’t allowed to sharpen 'em up either. The mass exodus of talent from this Seahawks roster has landed Pete Carroll in Mike Shanahan purgatory. The blades that kill your spirit will be dull, and the process will be long and painful. Think cardboard paper cut.
Week Two Overreaction Predictions
If you’ve been drinking along so far, I recommend you take a quick shot here and join me in doing what drunk NFL fans do remarkably well: accurately predicting the future.
Here are the best upcoming overreaction predictions from Week Two of the NFL season…
Overreaction #1: An AFC South Playoff Contender Will be Eliminated
The Texans (0-1) play at the Titans (0-1) in a battle of two fan bases who constantly yell at nobody about how underrated their quarterback is. Despite each team being heavily picked to make the playoffs, the loser will start the season 0-2. NFL teams who lose their first two games of the year miss the playoffs 87% of the time according to a statistic I just made up (take that, Stats Guy!) Between Sacksonville’s elite D and Andrew Luck’s resurgence from the dead, being 0-2 in the AFC South is a death wish.
Overreaction #2: Mitchell Trubisky Can’t Handle Big Moments
Who the hell scheduled the Bears to play in back-to-back primetime games to start the season!? Chris from TitleTown Soundoff (@TTSO_Chris) explained that wild Sunday Night Football game on the podcast more intelligently and coherently than I ever could here. Just seven days later, poor Mitch has to jump right back into the limelight. The Seahawks will pressure Mitch and get one of their eight wins on the season as the football world unleashes its favorite hot take of all: Mitchell Trubisky…dramatic pause…lacks the clutch gene.
Overreaction #3: The AFC East Finally Has a Second Team
We hate Tom Brady for so many reasons here at Blitzed. I’m constantly looking for the Bills, Dolphins, or Jets to compete with the Pats and break their streak of consecutive division titles. This year, the underdog we all root for will be the 2-0 winner of the Dolphins (1-0) at Jets (1-0) game. Whoever wins this game will be the most surprising 2-0 team in the entire NFL. Honestly, both of these teams are probably trash. But for a brief moment this upcoming Sunday afternoon, we will have an AFC East Cinderella—the ugliest Disney princess ever.
The Scout. You can follow the Scout of Twitter.