NFL Predictions From a Sober MZE

Hello, Blitzers! It’s MZE back from vacation and ready for some regular season football. Folks are out here making all kinds of predictions. Add MZE to the list but my predictions are outside of the keg. Let’s take a trip around the league as I do my best Nostradumbass impression.

Mike Tomlin's next job is definitely crisis counsellor.

AFC NORTH

• Steelers HC, Mike Tomlin, will have so much time on his hands from not dealing with internal drama that he’ll become a marriage counselor three days a week.
• Jim Harbaugh will replace John Harbaugh as the Ravens HC mid season. The team’s primary uniform color will be khaki.
• At halftime of the Browns-Jets game OBJ will reunite with his old flame, the kicking net, and will marry it.
• Andy Dalton will announce that he is retiring to play Scut Farkus in “A Christmas Story: the Musical.”

DeAndre Hopkins seen trying to ingest a football in 2018

AFC SOUTH

• The Colts will train the Titans, 38-3, and Frank Reich will activate himself leading his team to a 41-39 win in what will be called, “The Indianapolis Improbability.” 
• The Titans will play one game against Jacksonville in which they throw zero passes winning 35-0 as Derrick Henry has 57 carries for 319 yards and five touchdowns.
  
• DeAndre Hopkins will make a catch using nothing but his butt cheeks.
  
• The Jaguars will come out with a helmet even uglier than that two-tone disaster they’ve worn for the past several years.

Andy Reid vs Ribs. We'll take Reid.

AFC WEST

• Joe Flacco will lead the Broncos to a 4-0 start prompting Coors to release a new beer called, “Coors Elite.”  The Broncos will not win another game and the “Denver Brew Party,” will take place at the South Platte River.
• Raiders’ Antonio Brown’s favorite shoelaces will no longer be produced and he will offer $1 million to anyone who can find him a pair of Kangaroo sneakers.
  
• The Los Angeles Chargers will move to Anaheim playing their games in the center of the Magic Kingdom. They still won’t get anyone to show up.
  
• A rib joint in Kansas City will offer free ribs on Mondays every time the Chiefs score 63 points or more in a game. The Chiefs will set scoring records through four games and the rib joint will declare bankruptcy, citing they did not figure Andy Reid would take advantage of the promotion.

How long with Fitzmagic strike in 2019?

AFC EAST

• Dolphins’ QB, Ryan Fitzpatrick, will throw for 580 yards 7 TDs and 9 INTs in the opener, simultaneously enraging and exciting all fantasy owners. 
• Bills’ QB, Josh Allen, will hurdle an entire defense on one play.
• The New York Jets will move out of MetLife Stadium and will play home games in Hoboken. They still will not realize that they don’t play in New York.
• It will be revealed that Patriots’ QB, Tom Brady, is in fact a warlock who possesses all necessary horcruxes and who will play football forever.

C'mon, you don't want this guy to be your dad? Yeah you do.

NFC NORTH

• After the Bears exciting 4-0 start, a fertility clinic will open accepting only Bears’ QB, Mitchell Trubisky, as a donor. The “Son of a Mitch” clinic will be highly successful.
• The Packers’ new Matt LaFleur offense will consist only of Aaron Rodgers throwing Hail Mary passes on every play.
  
• Lions’ HC, Matt Patricia, while watching his Lions fall to 2-8 tragically dies by lead poisoning by stabbing himself with one of his pencils.
  
• The Vikings will lose five games due to missed field goals. Kirk Cousins will be blamed.

Cam Newton dresses in the dark.

NFC SOUTH

• Bruce Arians will not lead the Buccaneers to the playoffs but creamsicle chauffeur caps will sell out all over the Tampa area.
• Saints HC, Sean Payton, tries to challenge every pass play that ends in a Drew Brees incompletion or interception.
• Cam Newton will attend a press conference wearing a suit made entirely of his own hair.
• The Falcons will take 28-3 leads in their first five games and will start the season, 0-5.

NFC EAST

• Jay Gruden will watch hours of tape trying to figure out how Case Keenum took the Vikings to an NFC title game.
• Because of his fresh legs Zeke Elliott will rush for 258 yards in the Cowboys opener, prompting another hold out for a bigger contract. 
• Carson Wentz will lead the Eagles to a 7-4 record before going down to a season-ending injury. The Eagles will bring back Nick Foles, who will lead the Eagles to wins in four of its last five games against predominantly mediocre competition and a second statue will be erected of him, replacing the Rocky statue at the Philadelphia Museum of Art.
• Daniel Jones will replace Eli Manning after Week 5. Giants fans will not be able to tell the difference until Week 11.

Sean McVay lives at home. This is a fact.

NFC WEST

• 49ers QB, Jimmy Garappolo will continue to struggle. His only endorsement deal will be with a urinal company that creates the “Jimmy G-Whizz.”
• Rams HC, Sean McVay, will miss two games during the season because his mom grounds him for not taking out the garbage.
  
• The Cardinals will mistakenly start a 7th grader at QB, thinking it is Kyler Murray. 
  
• Pete Carroll will entice Marshawn Lynch out of retirement. Despite having Lynch, Carroll will still call for a pass play on the one down five in a crucial spot and Russell Wilson will again be intercepted.

There they are, my predictions for every team this coming season. What are some of your wild predictions? Hit us up in the comments.

​Until next time Blitzers, I predict @Blitzed_Coach still won’t know how to use a Smartphone before Tom Brady retires, every mistake on the Blitzed Radio show will be blamed on @Blitzed_Barkeep, and my compensation for writing for Blitzed won’t buy me a pre-chewed stick of gum.


Yours in football,
MZE